


Pieces of the Whole

by Motherof4dragons



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, I have no idea where this is going, just go with it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:00:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28160544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Motherof4dragons/pseuds/Motherof4dragons
Summary: What should have happened at the end of Season 21
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	Pieces of the Whole

**Author's Note:**

> I have been needing some Rollisi bad. Since the show doesn't seem to want to give it to me, I guess I'll have to write it myself.

I should have heard her footsteps before I hear her voice. But I’m too engrossed in what I’m doing. Too distracted with the torment running through my mind to pay any attention to my surroundings. If I were still a cop, it could get me killed.

Of course, if I were still a cop, I wouldn’t be this unhappy to begin with. 

“Hey,” she breathes. Despite how hesitant her voice is, the sound of it pulls me from my reverie.

It’s a kick in the gut lately, every time I look up to see her walking through that door. It was so easy, before. But my year with the DA’s office has broken something between us, and I’m not sure how to repair it.

Or if we even can.

“Hey. Rollins.”

“Rough day in court, huh?”

I place my pen down on the desk with more force than strictly necessary, but it’s better than throwing it at the wall. The last couple of times she’s come to see me here, we’ve fought. I don’t have the energy for it tonight. I can’t listen to one more person tell me how I’ve failed them.

She leans forward over my desk; her see-through shirt partially hidden behind the jacket draped over her arm.

“The sketch of you was really good,” she jokes, and laughter bubbles up unbidden from both of us.

“Yeah,” I laugh, a minuscule weight lifted from my shoulders. “Benson, send you here to buck me up?”

It’s the answer that makes the most sense. Spaghetti nights are a thing of the past for us.

“No,” she answers before I even finish the question. “I just thought I’d check in on you.”

She flicks her gaze away from me, pushing her bangs out of her eyes.

“I got a sitter tonight. Thought I could drive you home. Stop for a drink. Or three.”

She’s nervous. Which is unusual. Amanda is one of the most confident people I know. She’s perched on the edge of my desk, running her fingers roughly through her hair. Her scoff at the end is almost self-depreciating.

There’s only a few feet between us, but it feels more like miles. She doesn’t know what sort of response she’s going to get from me, and that hurts me too. There once was a time, when she knew that she could depend on me to be by her side no matter what. It didn’t matter if it was for late-night drinking or early morning pancake duty.

How did things get so bad between us?

It is my fault? Or hers?

If it’s hers, I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive her.

If it’s mine, I’m not sure how to forgive myself.

“I ahh. I gotta. I got a, um,” I pick invisible dust from my face, unable to meet her eye. “I got a lot of loose ends with Sir Toby and paperwork with the Davies case and—”

“Hmm.”

I take in a fortifying breath of air as she eases off from my desk.

“The only way out is through, right? Besides, I’d probably be lousy company right now.”

She lifts her shoulder to pretend that I’m not blowing her off, and that she doesn’t care that I am. But I know her too well for that. I know every tilt of her chin and every arch of her brow says words that she can’t bring her lips to say. I know that I’m hurting her right now, in my half-hearted attempt to keep myself from getting hurt.

If I’d have known that _this_ resulted from switching to the DA’s office, would I have still made the choice?

“Rain check,” she says, though we both know that the likelihood of her exposing herself again is slim to none. Amanda doesn’t feel bare when she’s not wearing any clothes. Amanda feels bare when she’s sharing a piece of her heart.

Right now? She’s probably as naked as she’s ever been.

She turns to leaves, then stops, her weight fluctuating on her heels. She parts her lips then closes them again, but I can see the words on the tip of her tongue. Everything we both want to say, but can’t bring ourselves to speak with words.

Amanda looks at me, and I feel it like a visceral kick into my gut. It would be so easy to lean forward in my chair. To stand and wrap my fingers around her elbow. To pull her into me and never let her go.

I don’t.

I smile at her, small but filled with emotion. Hoping she knows without either of us having to say it that no matter what, I still love her. I’ve always loved her. I always will. Even if it’s not the way I want to. I love her in the only way she’ll allow.

“Hang in there, Dominic.”

She’s the only one who ever says my name.

Detective Carisi. ADA Carisi. Carisi. Sonny. Son. Brother. Godfather. I’m a thousand different things to a thousand different people. But only Amanda calls me Dominic. Only Amanda knows my soul. Her voice trembles when she speaks. There’s a hitch in her chest. Her eyes glaze over with everything that passes between us, and I know she’s referencing more than today. She hesitates, one more time, but before I can open my mouth, she’s gone, and I’m staring at where she walked out the door.

My shoulders slump in defeat, and I feel the little warmth she brought with her seep from my pores.

I should have gone with her. Said fuck it to everything piling up on my desk and let her ease my burden for the evening. But everything is so fucked up, and I don’t know how to bridge the gap of the space that’s grown between us.

I shove my hands roughly through my hair, my fingers coming away sticky with day old gel.

Amanda gave me the way. Right there. And in so many words I told her to go pound sand.

I’m such a fucking moron.

I lean forward with my elbows in my knees before making up my mind and shoving away from my desk. It feels like it takes forever for my computer to shut down. I get a paper cut shoving the files back into my briefcase.

A glance at my watch says it’s been five minutes since she left.

She could have gone out without me. Upset at my obvious rejection. But I know my girl. She’s already halfway home.

I won’t be far behind.

Sneak Peak Chapter 2

I debate about going to a bar anyway, but my heart isn’t in it anymore. My heart is still sitting at a crappy desk in the ADA’s office, looking like someone kicked his puppy. Looking like he’s the puppy who got kicked…


End file.
